Deirdre

Getting Engaged?

23 posts in this topic

Ok girls. I've got to tell you about this because I'm mortified about how I handled it and I'm not sure where to go from here lol. Thomas and I have joint everything pretty much. We've been together three years in May and last spring we ended up with a joint checking account, we bought our house, we've bought two cars together and our names are together on pretty much everything. We even have a joint credit card. So with that said, we still aren't "engaged" even though we talk all the time about when we get married. We've just done everything backwards, sort of. So he gets a bonus check every month from work based on how many warranties and extras his customer purchase when they buy a car. It's the only thing that isn't direct deposited into our bank account. He always signs the check and has me deposit it. Well a couple of weeks ago he told me that the company was thinking of doing away with the bonus checks. Which I sort of felt was a little weird since there would be no incentives for the sales team to try and get customers to purchase those extras that really make the company more money, even more sometimes than the purchase of the car. Weird. Either way he was due to get his bonus check last Thursday and he called me up and said that his didn't come and a few other people didn't get theirs and he was acting super angry and overselling it like crazy. I didn't say much because in my gut I felt like he was lying to me about getting that check. I was internally upset because why would he lie to me about that check? I was very worried and anxious thinking about what he could possibly do with the money and I'd never know? I'm not going to lie. I'm extremely suspicious and overly cautious because trusting people is just too risky in my opinion and I've learned many times the hard way that you just can't. Even with someone you think  you know etc. 

He even mentioned in that phone call that maybe the company already got rid of the bonuses. Which made no sense to me. If that were the case, they would have let him know. We already had been told what his monthly bonus would be. That was the biggest red flag ever to me. He was actually trying to get me to believe that it just "went away" and suddenly it all made sense why a week ago he had told me they were thinking about getting rid of the bonuses. I knew it was all BS at that point. We hung up and I kept it to myself so I could process. I was awkwardly quiet on the phone and so he said he had to go. He texted me a few minutes later asking what was wrong :happy0168: because he could tell on the phone. 30 minutes later or so I answered him and told him I "felt" like he was lying and how upset I was and all that. He freaking says "I am lying". That was his response. I was like WTF???? Then he said it was for a good reason and to trust him, but seriously after an hour of working myself up about this and what the money could be for etc. I wasn't to be reasoned with lol. I'm being honest, I should have just left it at that and trusted him but I freaked out and told him to send me a picture of the check and told him he'd better mobile deposit it. lol Which he did. He came home and told me he was planning on saving the money secretly and buying me an engagement ring and proposing and all this stuff. Well, needless to say I ruined the surprise. He just told me that he knows since we have a joint account he couldn't buy anything without me knowing, and he didn't know how else to do it. His credit isn't the greatest because of his divorce. It's not awful, but could be better, but I really think it would be ok enough to get some credit somewhere to buy one. We bought our house, so I know that's on there too now but still he just really didn't think about that. He's not the greatest with financial stuff, I handle all of that. His credit is the way it is because he just ignores stuff and doesn't understand a lot of that. It's improved drastically since we met. lol

He said he didn't really want to pick one out with me because that wouldn't be a surprise and he wants it to be a surprise. I'm just stressed because he also might not know my style and even though I have a wish list that I've put some on I don't want him to buy a ring I don't love. I tried telling him that yesterday when I was apologizing because I said now I feel like it won't happen period, and he said it would. But he didn't even comment on what I said about not loving the ring if we didn't pick it out together. I think that I just should pick a few out and he could pick one and surprise me with it if that's what he wants. But just letting him go off on his own and pick anything scares me. This is like the only thing I'm superficial about in our relationship, but if I'm going to be wearing a ring forever I want to LOVE it. lol. So I'm not sure if this really requires any advice but it's sort of a funny story. The good part about it all is that I found out the price range he was thinking so that helps me narrow down my favorites lol

 

*sigh* I love that man. 

 

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That's so sweet that he wanted to surprise you. I would totally be all over something suspicious like white on rice. I've been married for 12 years, and I still question Chuck. You can't trust men until the day they die. Then you can trust them. lol

But I would totally want to be involved in the choosing process of the ring too. I returned the first ring Chuck gave me. I wanted something more classic, more simple. I know that we're made to feel like it's superficial, but it's really not. First of all it's an investment. You want to make sure he's not getting jipped. I doubt your bf knows anything about rings, so you need to educate him. Second, you're the one wearing it, and you want to be proud of it too. Never mind giving him choices. I would pick the exact one I want and tell him, that's what I want.

You must be so excited. Don't put pressure on him though to do it when YOU want. Trust em from past experiences, it has to be when THEY want. Especially since you're picking out the ring. Good luck!

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I know right, I'm definitely the most suspicious person and I don't give him any kind of room to get into any kind of trouble. 

Thomas definitely is super sweet though to want to surprise me and he's awesome in that way. He's always so encouraging and supportive so I felt bad about the surprise. 

Thank you for saying it's not superficial. My mom, sister and father told me I was basically being a brat lol. I have felt so guilty. 

The funny thing about all of this is when we were very first together I never brought up getting married. I still don't. It's always 100% been him that mentions it. But he said he wasn't going to get married again. Then after a while he told me he definitely was going to marry me a long ways down the road and in the last year or so he talks about us getting married frequently. I usually just smile and act in agreement but I don't in general ever talk about it so he doesn't feel pressured. I can't wait though. We just live like we are and even call each other hubby and wifey to people. Like at work he has a picture of me, him and the kids and always tells people I'm his wife and now I just want health insurance and dental :happy0168: j/k I feel like we'll be engaged for 5 years lol. 

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ps Chuck didn't and still knows nothing about rings. lol

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He's gonna make you sweat it out waiting but when he proposes I am sure it will be a beautiful surprise. That being said, just keep the hints to a minimum. Can't wait to see once he finally pops the question.

I "found" my engagement ring while cleaning Jim's office. So yup - totally understand about ruined surprises. Plus I had to wait to get it and not tell him I found it. Which was agonizing. Then I ruined his surprise even further because he wanted to propose when we were in Vegas but before we left on the trip I had invited my parents to visit when his parents were in town. So he felt he had to propose early so we could tell our parents. So yup - I feel your pain.

Luckily Jim picked a beautiful simple ring, but I could understand not needing to wear something you wouldn't ever feel comfortable with. Hopefully what he picks will be gorgeous.

 

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I would be suspicious too if Miguel suddenly changes anything in our finances, you're not alone hehe.

All the rings you posted are beautiful, my favorite is #3. But all of them are pretty. I would hint him that he can choose it but have the receipt handy in case you want to change it.

 

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Awwwww Mar! I would be so upset if I accidentally came across the ring and had to wait lol. 

Ger, I am almost 100% sure that #3 is my favorite too. 

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Awww that's so sweet that he wanted to surprise you.  Way to wreck Christmas Dee!  lol  no but really I think you do need to be involved in at least picking the ring,  l don't think that's being bratty at all.  lt's such a girl thing and you know your taste and you know what you like.   I mean he couldn't pick out the right make up, or other items.  He might think something frilly and gaudy is sparkly and pretty and that you'd love it.  When really you know the cut and style you want.   

Maybe show him some styles that you like and tell him that you will stay out of the rest of the process.  Let him ask you when he's ready.  Trust that he knows you and he will know how and when to do it.  That way he has some say and you will be pleased. 

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On 3/24/2017 at 6:35 PM, lolagirl said:

Awww that's so sweet that he wanted to surprise you.  Way to wreck Christmas Dee!  lol  no but really I think you do need to be involved in at least picking the ring,  l don't think that's being bratty at all.  lt's such a girl thing and you know your taste and you know what you like.   I mean he couldn't pick out the right make up, or other items.  He might think something frilly and gaudy is sparkly and pretty and that you'd love it.  When really you know the cut and style you want.   

Maybe show him some styles that you like and tell him that you will stay out of the rest of the process.  Let him ask you when he's ready.  Trust that he knows you and he will know how and when to do it.  That way he has some say and you will be pleased. 

:happy0168:

 

yeah, I definitely will show him my top choices. Especially because I kind of can't decide between 2-3 of them and I keep going back and forth. I love the few I chose but I can't narrow it down. That's why I feel like if I just show him those and let him pick there is still the "surprise" element there for him. I haven't brought up the proposal at all since that all happened so he doesn't feel pressured. 

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How sweet of Thomas! I'd definitely notice if something changed with the money too. You're a good woman to not pressure him. I was terrible with Brandan. I also knew he was going to propose because I saw him go in to get the ring out of the box I knew he kept it in. I'm bad with that sort of thing. 

I really like the first and last rings you posted. I like that you'll still be surprised now too with the actual proposal and with which one he picks. I'll be excited to hear all about it when it happens.

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Thanks Emily. I feel really impatient now. I wasn't at all until he's the one that kept talking about it. lol. Oh well, I still haven't brought it up again. I just feel like it's gonna take him another 6 months haha. We'll probably get married in 2025. :sign0007:

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Well, I somehow did it again.. Ok, it wasn't really my fault but another surprise got ruined apparently. So I was having a typical mommy meltdown, feeling disrespected and blah blah blah by my kids yesterday and quite honestly mother's day sucked and that got brought up. I mean it was kind of OK but I was hungover and we ordered chinese food which is what I wanted for dinner but overall I felt like shit. Also, he didn't get me anything. He told me he looked at my wishlist and  didn't know what to get so I could pick what I wanted and we'd ordered it... and quite frankly I don't want to. I can buy myself things anytime. It's not the same when it's not something they picked. And if I have things on a wishlist, I feel like that's easy enough to pick because it's ALL stuff I want. I keep it updated too. 

So back to my venting, well when I bring up mother's day yesterday, I also brought up Thomas and how he's never going to propose. Again, just a vent and I shouldn't have said it in front of Amber, who is almost 12, but she blurts out "Thomas told me the other day he is going to propose when Aunt Rachel is here." My sister Rachel is a photographer and is coming to visit and a long time ago I had mentioned that he should secretly have her take pictures when he proposes. :crying: So she says that to me and I'm like what??? But the way she said stuff I honestly thought she was getting things confused with (a. him generalizing and (b. a couple months ago when I ruined the surprise proposing when my sister was here was brought up. 

Of COURSE, I promptly texted my sister and asked if Thomas had said anything to her. My sister is the master of secret keeping. The stuff I've found out she knew all along boggles my mind, and she played it off VERY WELL. I was convinced there wasn't anything to it. Because I couldn't figure out how he could have possibly bought a ring without me knowing. So I honestly left it alone and went on about my day. After that the girls and I had a lovely day. Thomas got home from work and then comes outside when I was doing some chores and said he was unhappy. So I asked him why and he said because I knew about something I wasn't supposed to and I'm like what are you talking about? He said he knew that I KNEW because Rachel called him... 

That right there is when I realized there was a legit plan to propose because Rachel never would have done that if there was nothing to it. Rachel called him and said that Amber had told me. I told thomas that if he hadn't said anything I really would have been surprised.. especially a few more weeks down the road when Rachel is here... I have a scatter brain when it comes to that stuff and since I had already dismissed it in my mind I definitely would have been surprised. So he was mad that I said he is the one that ruined the surprised, and my sister shouldn't have told him Amber said anything and here I am. We haven't spoken since last night. It ended up in a bad fight where he accused me of grilling Amber and making her tell me information which is BS.. if I thought she knew anything I wouldn't bother her because she's a KID. He told me last night that I "manipulated Amber" into telling me and that made me really mad and I said I wouldn't marry him ever because of it and he said he was going to throw the ring into the River when it arrived because he ordered it a few days ago :roflol:dramatic much, but it turned out really awful. He's mad at me and I'm mad because it's not my fault someone said something to me. I didn't dig or suspect anything. not my fault. 

 

*sigh*

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So sorry to hear you guys had a fight, I hope you guys can work things out. 

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You must really trust him because i don't trust Chuck to buy me a pair of socks I like. :happy0173: seriously. I just get what I want, or tell him exactly what i want, and honestly, that makes me much happier.. it makes me feel a little bad because he tries so hard, and he means well, but at the end of the day, if I'm going to have to return it, I might as well tell him exactly what i want and save time and money shipping it back. LOL

but ugh!! it sucks ruining your own surprise! girl, what is wrong with chu! :happy0168: I guess it's so easy for me to tell you to chill, when I remember being single and dating guys and being like yo, whattup? are you serious about this relationship or what? :happy0157: I guess I see you guys kinda like already married because you're all living together, and you bought a house together too, but I get it, you want that final commitment. I would too if I were young...er.

 

So is he going to pick another date, or is Rachel's whole visit canceled? but damn, why did he have to tell you he ordered the ring? he ruined that part himself, because you didn't know THAT much.

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Hahahha! I know right? When he got home tonight he walked in and said he had to show me something on his phone. It was this video 

IMG_6418.mp4

 

then he got down on his knee and all choked up asked me to be his wife! Brat!!! I'll post more tomorrow but I'm still in shock lol. The girls were all there and were so happy. 

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Oh my goodness, congratulations!! I saw the ring on IG. It's beautiful!

 

are you happy now! lol:happy0064:

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How cute!! Loved the video.

 

I saw the ring in Instagram too, congratulations to both of you.

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Hahha! I am :) thank you all. 

I love the ring!!!! it's perfect. 

IMG_6446.JPG

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Beautiful ring! I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!! 

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How cool!   Congratulations Dee.  :err: You will never forget your proposal story that's for sure.  lol  

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