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The Littlest Gamechanger

42 posts in this topic

I miscarried.

God, this is the shittiest feeling. I won't be able to schedule a dilation and curettage until Tuesday, but now that it's over, I really just want it over. I'm almost 12 weeks, so I'd stopped worrying that this could happen. I feel like I have a thousand things to say, but it's all jumbled up in my head.

I don't think I realized, until today, how excited I was for us to have a child together. I didn't realize I'd become so attached, and I had no idea I could feel this sad.

If I don't sign on for a while, please don't take it personally. I'm just going to go back to bed until I get my head back on straight.

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I literally entered your journal with a smile, like I always do...then my heart dropped. I'm so sorry, Dana. With all of my heart I am so sorry.

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Oh I am so sorry & will keep you guys in my thoughts. You take all the time that you need but please know we are all here for you.

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Awww ,Dana. I'm so sorry. I literally started crying when I read this. I'll be thinking & praying for you. We all understand if you need to take time to deal with this.

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Dana, I'm so sad and sorry for you A and Baby . I wish I knew a way to comfort you, If you need anything, you have my number. I wish I could hug you right now.

SS_PR_090923swineflu_hugging.jpg

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Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support.

The last week has been so sad and so strange. We didn't share with a lot of people, but enough so that there were plenty of phone calls to make. I am amazed at how loved we both felt, both in the telling about our pregnancy, and then again in the untelling. We are blessed with amazing family and wonderful friends.

We spent last weekend in Virginia. AJ had a road race with a friend and the flights and hotel were nonrefundable. I read, we walked a lot, ate (and drank) well, and I spent race day walking back and forth along the course cheering them both on. It was nice to get away together, and it turns out this friend was just the right person to be with. He didn't know I was pregnant, and that was good, too.

The procedure was on Tuesday, and I didn't realize how serious it was, outpatient surgery under general anesthesia. The hospital staff were wonderful, the OB I was assigned to had the best bedside manner, and the prescription pain killers have come in handy. AJ took (is taking) wonderful care of me, he stayed home from work on Tuesday and we both got a little work done, but we mostly cuddled and napped. I didn't need all of that nursing in a medical sense, but it felt comforting to have him around. He is so loving and attentive.

Miscarriage happens, a lot. A quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, most of them before a woman knows she's pregnant. After miscarriage in a first pregnancy, most women go on to have healthy pregnancies and children. These are among the many facts I have in my head, but none of this information changes the hurt in my heart. A (trusted) friend said that maybe this much sadness is useful. Not in a "everything happens for a reason" sort of way. But, rather, now AJ and I know how we really feel about this, and while we have new and different fears that weren't there before, we don't have anymore ambivalence.

Thank you again for your words of comfort. I appreciate them more than I can say.

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I don't know what to say at times like this. I read on a site that there's no perfect thing to say that will bring solace to a couple, so I won't even attempt other than to say I'm sorry. :(

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Glad you guys were able to get away and glad that you have such an incredibly loving & supportive hubby!

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Dana, your friend is very wise, there would really be no other way of knowing how you felt, or to quell your ambivalance but it experience. Which actually makes the title of this thread so true, that little gamechanger changed a lot more than we thought.

I've been thinking about you a lot and I know that whatever path you take will be the right one. I hope you guys are healing, I love knowing that you have AJ in your corner with you.

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Dana, I am so sorry for you and AJ. I'm glad you had the chance to get away and hope you have a calm and relaxing weekend this weekend as well.

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Dana, your friend is very wise, there would really be no other way of knowing how you felt, or to quell your ambivalance but it experience. Which actually makes the title of this thread so true, that little gamechanger changed a lot more than we thought.

That is so true. An excellent point.

Rachel - I don't think there is any right thing to say, especially since everybody's experience of something like this is different. A friend with four kids who said, "at least you know you can get pregnant" is completely different from a friend who struggled for years with infertility before adopting who says exactly the same thing, you know?

Thanks again for all of your support, your kind words and prayers. I am going to stop posting in this thread, because it just makes me too sad.

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Dana, would you like me to delet it for you?

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No, that's okay. But thanks for offering.

I don't think there is any right thing to say, especially since everybody's experience of something like this is different.

And what I meant by this (though it came out wrong) was that there are no perfect words. But all of the things you said here brought comfort, and that is what is most important.

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